Navigating the Trials and Triumphs of Secondary Infertility
이차성 불임| The One with Funmi Okubanjo: Episode 33 (2023)
“I believe my lack of knowledge stemmed from the modesty and virginity expectations placed on young girls. Growing up, due to the high rate of teenage pregnancy, our mothers instilled fear in us with statements like, “If a man touches you, you’ll get pregnant.” Nobody wanted to have open conversations about these topics. In discussions with my mom as an adult, I learned that she thought that talking about these things frequently might encourage us to explore them. So, she avoided these discussions, hoping our ignorance and fear would prevent us from being sexually active before marriage.” — Funmi (2023)
“I’ve walked alongside numerous individuals on this journey, extending my hand in support, engaging in heartfelt conversations, and offering solace. When they achieve their goals, their happiness brings me immense joy. But for me, I remain trapped. To depict this feeling vividly, it’s as if I’m confined within a classroom. I can recount every detail, from the bruised walls to the colors and numbers of the chairs. When a new student arrives, they hear this about me: “Oh, that’s the person to meet; she knows the ins and outs and the professors who can guide you to success.” Yet, I’m the student who remains in the same class, unable to graduate. It may be an oversimplification, but I can’t help but question why it hasn’t worked out for me despite numerous attempts and the physical toll it’s taken on me.” — Mo! (2023)
Disclaimer: We will discuss depression-related topics in this episode. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, please seek professional help immediately. You’re not alone, and support is available via our ongoing fertility project. We discuss the mental, physical, and emotional stress concerning miscarriages, infertility treatments, and negative social and environmental factors that contribute to the mental stress that accompanies going through infertility.
My Beloved Mosiblings,
This week, I have the honor of hosting Mrs. Funmi Okubanjo of Radiant Futures, a previous guest on the show, invited to discuss her initiatives focused on uplifting African indigenous women, breaking the chains of poverty by providing financial support and empowering them with essential skills. Mrs. Okubanjo is, in every sense, my younger sister; she’s a board member of our ongoing project. We’ve been friends since high school, and I’m currently a godmother to her children. Mrs. Funmi Okubanjo describes herself as an essential service provider, catalyst, and crusader deeply committed to helping and empowering people.
We kick off the show on a profound note as Mrs. Okubanjo shares her journey of becoming more aware of women’s health. She candidly expresses that before marriage, she gave minimal attention to her own well-being. She didn’t want to fret about her health to the point where she had limited knowledge about her menstrual cycle. Her motivation to understand her body stemmed from her desire to conceive, all while she aimed to savor life at the moment and pursue her career, along with a fear of potential health challenges.
Mrs. Okubanjo and I delve into the dearth of knowledge among young girls regarding the female reproductive system in Nigeria’s past. She vividly recalls the prevalent teenage pregnancies, predominantly attributed to cultural modesty and the fear of pregnancy if a boy were to touch them. Ignorance was considered bliss, as it served as a deterrent against pregnancy. We also reminisce about how girls who were well-informed about their bodies were often unfairly stigmatized as “bad girls” due to the prevailing attitudes of the time.
Transitioning into parenting, we explore the importance of equipping our daughters with knowledge about their bodies and autonomy. I lead this conversation, emphasizing age-appropriate discussions with my daughter, Arii, and fostering her understanding of the distinction between “friendly/good touch” and “unwanted/inappropriate touch.” Mrs. Okubanjo, on the other hand, highlights that her husband plays a more prominent role in educating their children about the sexual and reproductive system. However, she is concerned about whether too much knowledge may spark curiosity. Mrs. Okubanjo focuses on safeguarding her children, imparting knowledge about appropriate and inappropriate touches, and instructing them on protective measures to take if ever confronted with such situations.
We delve deeper into Mrs. Okubanjo’s fertility journey, reflecting on her prior lack of knowledge about her body, reproductive system, and sexual matters before marriage. She opens up about her initial confusion and her overwhelming emotions. Emerging from the backdrop of “no sex before marriage,” she possessed minimal understanding of sexual matters. As she encountered fertility challenges, she believed her lack of expertise in sexual matters was the root cause. She recounts the influence of older women who provided advice, such as post-coital leg positioning, further complicating her understanding.
Eventually, they decided to consult a doctor who proved unprofessional. Instead of addressing the biological aspects of their reproductive system, he delved into inquiries about their sexual behaviors, leaving them more perplexed. Afterward, they sought a second opinion, confirming their excellent health after thoroughly assessing their medical records. A prescribed medication followed, but the overall experience was stressful and draining for her, especially considering her ongoing education about her body and reproductive system.
Shifting gears, Mrs. Okubanjo expresses her desire for a second child. She shares the pressures she felt in Nigeria due to societal expectations, often feeling scrutinized. She eventually conceived when her first child was around 3 to 4 years old, only to face the heartbreak of a miscarriage at eight weeks. The strain of fertility struggles took a toll on her relationship with her husband, turning intimacy into a means to an end — getting pregnant. They ultimately sought medical intervention after her uncle encouraged them to consult doctors. Mrs. Okubanjo also discusses the support she received from friends, acknowledging that prayers sometimes offered comfort while other times fueled anxiety and impatience. She further elaborates on her hardships and challenges, including feeling the need to sacrifice her passions and being overly cautious about unnecessary aspects of her life.
As we wrap up this segment, I thank Mrs. Okubanjo for teaching me the importance of celebrating with people, regardless of their challenges. I also share a vulnerable side, revealing the “snide comments” I’ve encountered from loved ones and strangers. I admit to feeling stuck, pondering why my fertility journey hasn’t progressed as expected. I acknowledge the irony of being the initiator of this project while still grappling with my own fertility struggles. I use the analogy of being stuck in a classroom, unable to graduate, while witnessing others move forward. Tears well up as I share my emotions, making this a deeply touching moment.
Mrs. Okubanjo offers solace by emphasizing that privileges come in various forms. Some people possess the strength and determination to endure struggles but lack the financial means, while others have financial capacity but may lack the drive and fortitude. She underscores that my privilege lies in knowledge, community, and resources, and my decision to share these with those who lack them is a significant contribution. She encourages me to embrace my current self and find joy in life, understanding that people will always have something to say.
As the show nears its conclusion, a poignant statement is made: “I live in the shadows; I’ve lost myself.” This statement resonates with many women struggling with fertility. I express my desire to create a supportive community for women, offering them a chance to reclaim their lives and find support as they navigate their fertility challenges. Our project adopts an all-hands-on-deck approach, encompassing therapy, sex therapy, financial advice, and more. I am confident that this project is not limited by time; it’s a long-term commitment.
Mrs. Okubanjo underscores how motherhood is often seen as the epitome of womanhood. Still, she encourages me to recognize that completeness can also be found in supporting women on their fertility journeys. She urges everyone in our audience to contribute to this cause, emphasizing its relevance to the family system. In conclusion, I thank her for her unwavering encouragement, reassurance, and support throughout my journey. I also extend an invitation to men who have experienced fertility issues to share their stories on the show; they can send a request email to talktomo@mosibyl.com.
Our goal for the More Sibyl Fertility project is to raise $10,000, and we offer multiple platforms for donations, including GoFundMe, PayPal, and Nigerian bank accounts. For any questions, inquiries, or concerns, please feel free to send us an email at talktomo@mosibyl.com. Thank you for being part of this journey, and remember, your support may be the lifeline for a friend or family member going through similar struggles.
Until next time, I remain your dearest Mo!
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