“I went through a phase where I forgot about my dream to adopt. Grief had consumed me, and I became a shadow of myself, sinking into depression, especially after numerous surgeries. Each year, it seemed I had one or two surgeries to save my life due to relentless ovarian cysts. IVF exacerbated the situation, causing hormone imbalances and fluid build-ups around my abdominal cavity, leading to laparoscopies to drain them. If I were to show you, which I wouldn’t, my body bears many scars from the robotic surgeries that saved my life. These scars remind me of what I’ve endured.”— Mo! (2023)
“You risk losing yourself; it’s almost inevitable. Cynicism may creep in, erasing the memory of hope. Smiles and happiness might become distant memories, replaced by the constant struggle for survival. The thought taints every intimate moment with your husband, “Is this the one that will make me get pregnant?” Even when your period is just two days late, hope surges, only to sink your heart when the period finally arrives.” — Mo! (2023)
Disclaimer: We will discuss depression-related topics in this episode. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, please seek professional help immediately. You’re not alone, and support is available via our ongoing fertility project. We discuss the mental, physical, and emotional stress concerning miscarriages, infertility treatments, and negative social and environmental factors that contribute to the mental stress that accompanies going through infertility.
This week, we have a sensitive topic I have briefly discussed on the show multiple times. However, in this episode, roles are reversed as my virtual assistant, Hauwa, interviews me. Join us as we discuss my fertility journey, trials, healing process, and tribulations thus far. As we begin, I provide a detailed background story on my reasons for kickstarting “The MoreSibyl Fertility (TMS) Project” and all the project entails. As a married woman who has struggled with infertility for over 11 years, this project hits home. Building a community around difficult conversations has always been a hobby of mine, as it has aided me in navigating life during challenging moments. This project is my way of giving back to the community because I’ve been given so much.
“The More Sibyl Fertility Project” hits home for me because my infertility challenge is an unresolved issue in my life and still is my reality. Regardless of the pain associated with my journey of over 12 years, I’ve grown and learned a lot, and I’ve met amazing, compassionate people who have held my hand all the way. The analogy I would give is that we’re all on this dark trail filled with water while trying to walk through it. It’s tiring and stuffy, and you see people cheering you on when you look behind you. After recently sharing my most recent miscarriage experience in a post, I had someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while reach out to me. She expressed her gratitude for sharing my story, briefly explaining how she had become a shadow of herself and no longer talked to people. Her experience also resurfaces memories of my dark moments with infertility. All of this ties back to one of the primary goals of the TMS fertility project, which is to help women regain a glimmer of hope because they lose themselves along the way. We aim to raise funds for surgeries that could boost fertility and freeze eggs, and, in addition to the financial aspect, we’ll provide emotional community support and counseling.
Hauwa poses a question about my keen interest in adoption. I’ve had this interest since I was a child. While growing up in Nigeria, there was a pleasant neighbor or “aunty” I knew who, up until we moved, had no children. When you observed her closely, you could see her sadness. Fast forward to when I started working as a pharmacist, my heart tugged at and warmed up to women going through IVF (fertility) challenges, and I knew I was going to adopt. Eventually, I got married, but before that, I found out I had cysts in my ovaries, got surgery to remove them, and was recommended by a doctor to get married soon and have kids due to potential complications in the future. After getting married, I was highly hopeful and never imagined conceiving would be so difficult. Unfortunately, the cysts kept recurring, and I kept going in and out of the surgery room. Before I continue, I’d like to emphasize that people should be careful in suggesting adoption to couples. Allowing them to come to that conclusion lovingly and organically is essential.
When it finally came to it, I had completely forgotten about my dream to adopt due to grief. Every year, I would have one surgery or another. Slowly, I started to slip into depression, lose myself, and become a shadow of myself. Whenever I went for IVF, it would flare up my hormones, fluid would build up, and I would have to go for a laparoscopy. There are so many scars around my stomach from robotic piercings to save my life. I thank God for my husband for restoring that dream. He kept insisting and encouraging me to adopt, and I’m forever indebted to him for the blessing of our daughter.
As we transition into another segment of this special episode, Hauwa encourages me to look at my scars as battle scars while navigating through life despite the sadness that may come with them. She poses thought-provoking questions about the challenges and potential pressures from in-laws, especially in the context of Nigerian culture, and ways to navigate them. Fortunately, I’ve had amazing and understanding in-laws. Living far away from home has been a protective factor, and they are genuinely great people.
Ironically, the pressure I encountered and struggled with was from my mom. Being the first child for the longest time and the only married one, I can only imagine the pressure she was under, as most of her friends had grandchildren, and she transferred that pressure onto me. Eventually, it started to rub me incorrectly, and I decided to discuss the issue with my therapist. She suggested I “put myself in my mom’s shoes” while putting my pain aside. I decided to sit my mom down and make her understand what her pressure was doing to me. I would prefer if she asked about my well-being, aside from bugging me about the progress involving my fertility issues. There was no doubt in my mind that she had good intentions, but her delivery was what put me off. We conclude this segment by encouraging women to lean into their community and have difficult conversations with family members, including mothers-in-law. In both dynamics, if emotionally mature or intelligent, your spouse can be the perfect intermediary between you.
Hauwa switches things up to lighten our conversation. Using her strong bond with her mother and a few personal experiences as a guide, she poses questions about the societal pressure of being the first female child. We discuss factors I would love to work on, from my relationship with my parents to my relationship with Arii as she grows up. Being the first of three kids, my relationship with my mom was strained because we dealt with fertility problems but with different approaches. Moms tend to chastise or pressure their kids, but the pressure isn’t needed. Going through these issues, you realize that there is pressure being placed on yourself, by yourself, due to fertility challenges.
Recently, I realized on my quest for motherhood that I had forgotten how it felt to be mothered by somebody. I just needed, and still need, that motherly care and love. Having my daughter made me realize howmuch I had lost. As a mother, you can only give back from what you’ve been given. Mothering my daughter has made me learn and understand so much about my mom and learn to give grace to people around me. I encourage mothers with children struggling with infertility to aid us in restoring some form of our identity and childhood memories and ask for ourwell-being.
We further discuss ways to navigate the dark moments accompanying fertility difficulties, personally and as a couple. Honestly, there’s no overcoming, and it’s more about navigating. There have been some rough days. I recently had a miscarriage two months ago, which is why I shouldn’t be doing this right now, but the critical factor for me is storytelling. I have been privileged to hear stories from other people, their fertility journeys, and more. If I didn’t resonate, think about other people’s experiences, and implement them into my life, I wouldn’t be standing here in one piece today.
Fertility challenges, especially miscarriages, hurt you. It feels like there’s a light inside of you, and each time you go through the process and get disappointed or suffer a miscarriage, a light dims within you,
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